There¹s a time and a place for everything, but it¹s not now and it¹s certainly not here.

Everybody has to pay the piper, but you might not have to pay him much if he happens to be non-union.

Tomorrow is a new day, but the day after that has been made up of recycled moments you were too busy and depressed to notice.

Intelligence is the greatest aphrodisiac, but a dab of extract from a civet¹s anal gland and a nice pair of shoes will usually work just as well.

What goes around comes around, but don¹t expect to get any of it unless you¹ve already got too much.

Where there¹s a will there¹s a way, but where there¹s no will there¹s no way you¹re going to get anything more than a set of commemorative plates and a busted footstool.

Rome wasn¹t built in a day, but that was before they invented drywall.

The Lord works in strange and mysterious ways, but then so do serial killers and plumbers.

Money makes the world go 'round, but you only get the full effect if you¹re dizzy with hunger.

Laughter is the best medicine, but I¹ll still take the intravenous Demerol if it¹s all the same with you.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, but I never believe those travel brochures.

Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others, but they¹re usually apprehended within a few hours.

Religion is the opium of the masses, but they¹re too addicted to television and Capitalist drugs to bother trying it.

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind, but that¹s nothing compared to what the unpaid jobs do.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, but you¹ll make more money from the pound of cure (especially if it doesn¹t work).

To the pessimist the glass is half empty and to the optimist it¹s half full, but to the paying customer it¹s a rip-off no matter how you look at it.

When the Lord closes a door He opens a window and when He closes a window He opens a door, but if he keeps that up all night I¹ll have Him evicted.

Time heals all wounds, but I¹d if I were you I¹d see a doctor just the same.

You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette, but you only have to break one to make a baby.

Life¹s a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, but death is a short certificate written by a sensible fellow with a degree in medicine.

Pissing in one¹s boots does not keep one warm for long, but it¹s a surefire way to get out of a bad date.

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion, but I¹m just saying that to make you feel good.

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